April 4th, 2013
Arrived home (home… what is that?) wet to the bones, after walking an hour and a half in the pouring rain. Threw away in a corner the backpack and crashed on the bed. I haven’t stopped not even for a second on my way. All I wished was for the rain to stop, at least for a little bit. It didn’t. I could barely feel anything else but cold. All the way to my bones. Alone, in the middle of the night, on empty streets. Tears, rain drops, who could tell?
And I realized one thing. Nobody wants to hear your crap or be your friend. They get scared and run away. They judge. “Why can’t you be happy, there are others worse than you”, they say. But what do I care that there are others worse then me when I feel what I feel deep inside my soul? I grew up having dreams, fighting for them with every atom of my body, believing that I can make a difference. Going one step of a time, always forward. I actually believe that for some time I managed to actually matter and be someone. Someone good. And then I failed miserably! And that was the point when I realized that when I can’t help my friends they will go away and don’t give a shit on me! Suddenly everyone was too busy… So what’s the point when you live together but die alone?
And I might be quiet, I might not talk at all but that’s my way of protecting myself. I have so many things to say, but to whom, when there’s nobody to listen? And you judge me for that… and you laugh, not knowing that I am fucking way smarter than you! And I would be able to answer most of the questions you would think of asking me! And you would be surprised how fast I would figure out the mechanism of a machine or how fast I would pick up any new information. Or language. But you won’t have from where to know that. For you I am just that girl from the corner, not talking.
March 19th, 2013
…and this is how, every time, in moments of despair, when the world is falling apart, I come back here, to write. I managed to disappear again, like in the beginning, when nobody knew who Dennda was. Hidden under an invented username that became somehow my alter ego. Because you see, Dennda Simoni was powerful, strong and indestructible. Was someone I created to be what I will never be. And there was no face, no identity, just a nickname and a journal full with stories. And those were the days when I could actually write, when i didn’t had a piece of paper in front of my eyes but tons of images moving around faster than the speed of light. It wasn’t me anymore, I was transcendent rays of light. There were no emotions… there were strong feelings, dilated pupils and almost no breathing at all. It was a drug running through my veins, giving me power to write a word, and another one, and another one…
I ran away from that… I chose the “real” life and left my magic behind. Left hours of hard work, left my soul… and now, when everything falls apart, I want to go back. I want to find somehow that power that Dennda had. I want to use it to pull me out. I want her to tell me that everything will be ok, now. Not tomorrow, cause I can hardly live with this fear inside.
Lost…. lost, with a fucked up mind that I can’t seem to control anymore. Scared to talk with the only person that would listen to me. Taking anti-depressives with wine, to get some sleep. Listening to the same song on repeat. Losing myself in my mind’s own world, boundless. Just wish I could have the power to tell you how much you mean to me…
And people say that suicides are cowards. But they have no idea what hell of a courage it takes to do it.
February 20th, 2013
I feel the need to drink…. a lot… go out and pour pure alcohol down my throat, until everything disappears and a pitch black silky scarf starts to veil my body. Until I start spinning around, with my feet above the ground, floating in the air, until my pupils dilate so much that the white around them stops existing, until my breath stops and I crash down, on the wooden floor, lifeless. Listening to the same song, on repeat, hours after hours. Yeah, probably it was a Tuesday, a sweet and sour Tuesday. Yeah, I didn’t know that I’ve seen my destiny. And I can’t stop wondering how much was the harm I’ve made in another life that I was so cursed in this one. For fucks sake…
And only God, or whoever/whatever is out there knows how safe I feel inside that pair of arms. How I would stay there forever and a little bit after that. Only my eyes know much much they’ve spoken because my mouth was mute. And only my fingers know the fear of touching, terrified of running away.
How scared I am… how much confusion is inside my brain… how the world makes no sense at all…
January 10th, 2013
‘Call him and tell him that you love him!’
I raised my eyes from my phone and looked at the stranger that stopped in front of me, for a second, to tell me that. He was smiling in a very kind way. All I could answer was that I was just browsing on facebook. He turned around, smiled again, and before he dissapared into the crowd he said:
‘Then text him!’
January 4th, 2013
Can’t sleep, again, for the who the knows how many nights in a row. Wishing to fly away from here. Wishing to be free. I feel trapped inside four invisible walls, in a too small invisible room, with no doors or windows. I feel that I can barely breath inside it and that my oxigen reserve is limited. I can’t find an escape in writing anymore and I don’t seem to still enjoy the things i used to love. I need a system reboot, or maybe a whole new life. You know, just like in the computer games. You can die as many times you want, you will always be better and you will know what to do in the new life you get. And you always get a new one. I wish it was that easy…
Somehow I’ve fallen down and I can’t seem to find the strenght to pull myself at the surface line. I don’t know how to do it. All I see around me are the four invisible walls on which I hit every time I try to do something. Anything. December is gone, why isn’t it over?