When someone breaks your heart and then steps on it over and over again, until it remains nothing out of it, what can you do more ? You feel lost, confused and… lost again. You don’t get it why… it’s not a game about who wins or not. It’s not a race about who’s better and who’s not. It’s not a competition about who’s smarter and who’s not. And it should for sure not be a struggle for surviving. There should be no winner and there should be no looser. If it is like this, then what’s the point ?

And if someone has the urge to punish the other by making him believe he’s dead… what’s the point of going on ? What’s the importance of feelings in front of the actions in this case ? Just for the fun of the game ? Guess what ! I’m not a game !

Dormeau adânc sicriele de plumb,
Si flori de plumb si funerar vestmint –
Stam singur în cavou… si era vint…
Si scirtiiau coroanele de plumb.

Dormea întors amorul meu de plumb
Pe flori de plumb, si-am inceput să-l strig –
Stam singur lângă mort… si era frig…
Si-i atirnau aripile de plumb.

(G. Bacovia - Plumb)

Drinking a cup of Italian coffee, on the couch, with my legs under me, with the laptop in my lap. Writing. Deleting. Writing again. Deleting again. For who do I write ? And for what ? I’ve started reading my favorite book for the 7th time. Helps me concentrate on other stories and forget about the one that wants me to write it. The one that lays at the ball point of every pen I hold into my hands.  Feeling hopeless even if I have everything to hope for.

1st of April is coming soon… there are dates I wish to skip over… what will I tell her when I’ll go to see her ? You think that this things go away but they never do. And even if you don’t think all the time anymore, when you do it breaks your heart and it hurts twice as before. Even if she lives inside my heart… because everything is about her. And if I do lose the fight with the hands that hold my hands I will die. I can’t go that deep, I can’t loose my mind inside that piece of paper again.

I’ve been there, I know how it is. I know how time flies away, how you see images and not letters, how you feel surrounded by you own imagination when in fact you’re more alone that the loneliest. But every person is crazy, right ? Or, at least, every person that lives (not every person that is alive !). I can’t measure every step I make. I can’t think three times before I talk. I can’t act every time as I should. And I mustn’t be obliged to pay for that. I’ve payed enough and I can still see the scars. Scars that will never go away. I’ve been at the edge of life and death, I’ve felt the blood flowing out of my body, taking my life with it. The last breath, the dizziness, the confusion and the warmness of knowing that that’s the end. I’ve felt the shock of foreign substances taking over, making everything white, the fogginess, the eyelids falling heavy letting the shivering taking control over my body. And not to forget about the water invading my lungs, stealing the last breath of air, suffocating me in a sweet fight with the panic that should have had make me raise my head over the water’s level. I died every single time. I’ve felt it and I still can feel it when I think about it. I died many times inside my mind, inside my soul and inside my heart. Every time it felt real, so real… not like a dream, because dreaming is a different life. These are things lived by the brain that lives inside my brain. As simple as that.

My eyes are glowing like never before.

I am doing things I was afraid to do before.

I don’t say “no” anymore.

I love this house like I loved my own.

I live !

I’m going home this week ! My home, Roma !

As soon as I’ve seen who she was I got messed up and I couldn’t think clear anymore. Everything went away from my mind…

“How are you ?”, she asked, looking very happy to see me, holding my hands into hers.

I couldn’t answer more than “good”… Then she started to tell me how many things have changed since I went away. She told me what happened with my house… that doesn’t exist anymore… she had no idea what happened, why and how I had to run away… she thought I was doing fine, like SHE wished for all HER life… I told her briefly that no… they stole everything that SHE had for me…. but I also told her I was ok… not like that, but ok….

I got out of there confused and with my mind and heart torn into pieces. No matter how hard I try to forget, there’s always some puzzle piece that reminds me of everything… as I was walking in the snow breathing hardly the cold air I’ve seen those images again… I’ve seen her in that coffin again, with my mind’s eyes… and I felt again that big hole inside me, I felt again that missing piece that will never be replaced…

I’ve built a so called life for 4 years. I used to be steady, always thinking of tomorrow, working my ass off at a job where I still have no idea if I was appreciated or not, doing the same things every day, being tired, hoping for better but never having the courage of actually doing it. I used to go to school every day, learn for exams, do everything by the book, be honest and care for others.  And one day I decided I have to go somewhere or I’ll go crazy with all I had to bare day by day  ! And so I left to Asia. By train.

And what an experience was that … I remember being in a McDonalds, in Victoria harbour, in Hong Kong eating a Big Mac and thinking that I could do that forever. Be a million kilometers away from home, enjoying life at the fullest, never returning to my job… That was the moment that made the click and made me realize that I wasn’t living before.

I came back to Romania a different person. The thing that I didn’t found my job back was the click that turned my life at 180 degrees. You would say that loosing your job is a bad thing but for me, that was the happiest moment I had in 4 years ! Someone else did the choice I didn’t had the courage to do.

Since then I met amazing people, I help creating and building an amazing place, I can speak freely and my office is a pub. How cool is that ? And it’s like THIS is what I was always supposed to do ! An office, a huge salary, those are not for me ! It was just an illusion that kept me stuck in that place, standing people gossiping all the time.

And what it matters in the end ? To be happy and to be free ! Like me !